policeman jokes

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

an idiot was picked up by the police on an assault charge. He was placed in an identity lineup with ten other men and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.

The idiot jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! I'd recognize her anywhere!"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Celebrity Jokes

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle 

What do Britney Spears and Pepsi have in common?

They both come with plastic jugs.

Why did Harry Potter have to retake his first year at Hogwarts?
Because he couldn’t spell!

Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa Clause stops after three hoes.

Britney Spears, Shaggy and Craig David were sitting in a room when suddenly someone farted

Shaggy quickly pointed out that "It Wasn't Me"
Craig David couldn't stand the smell and said "I'm Walking Away"
Britney Spears could do little more than admit "Oops I did it Again"

The next day they were once again sitting in a room and once again someone farted

Britney Spears: "Stronger than Yesterday"

Bar Jokes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."


A string goes into a bar and they won't serve it -- the usual story. So this upsets the string and it goes to a shrink to be psychoanalyzed. Since there's a little S & M in its background, it ties itself up, then tries to go into the same bar that rejected it before. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
The string replies, "No, I'm a Freud knot."


One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.'


A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"


There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."



A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."



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Blonde Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
want all the nitro in the boot to explode."
"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
under the seat . 

Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.



Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.


Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
 

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!




A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

two blondes are sitting on a beach at night. One blonde looks up at the moon and says "what do you think is furthest away, the moon or Italy?" The other blonde just looks at her and says " DUH!!, can you see Italy from here!"

What is the difference between and ironboard and a blonde? - The legs of an iron are hard to open.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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